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The Malcolm Auld Blog

Monthly Archives: August 2013

Are all UTS graduates filthy rich?

28 Wednesday Aug 2013

Posted by Malcolm Auld in Marketing

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marketing, marketing education, UTS

I graduated from UTS with my Bachelors Degree quite a while ago, after 6 years of part-time study. You learn to measure your life in minutes.

Over the last two decades I’ve occasionally returned as a guest lecturer, or to run a one day event for the Business Studies School. Curiously I had no idea there was a UTS Alumni, because nobody had ever contacted me about it.

All this all changed recently, when I was appoached by the Alumni team and submitted my details. I forgot they would have to verify them. So for a couple of days, some poor sod had to dust off old hand-written ledgers in the bowels of the archive rooms, to verify I had graduated.

He graduated when??

He graduated when??

Last Friday I received an email to clarify I was Alumni material and welcoming me to the clan. While reading the email I reached the third paragraph below:

“If you would like to purchase a commemorative Certificate of Recognition, please go to https://www.alumni.uts.edu.au/origins-certificate to order and pay $20,000, which covers the cost of printing and postage. Please allow up to four weeks to receive your certificate in the mail.” (Bold is my emphasis)

Immediately I thought the email was sp*m. Had someone, somehow tracked my recent messages and was having me on? Or maybe I’m just not as wealthy as the rest of the Alumni? Did their degrees serve them far better financially than mine? Or have they mistaken me for some other Malcolm Auld who has more money than sense?

I mean I enjoyed my time there, but it was many years ago and certainly wasn’t worthy of a $20,000 Commemorative Certificate. I don’t even know where my degree is – probably stored in a box somewhere.

So, I nervously clicked the link to the order form:

UTS certificate

Immediately I checked the price and discovered a typographical error. The Commemorative Certificates are only $20.00. What a relief. Or is that what they want me to feel, so I’ll buy more than one and hand them out to family, friends and employers?

How does something like this happen in such a centre of knowledge and learning? I believe one of the reasons is that proofreading is a skill that people dismiss because they have spellchecker. Many of us have become intellectually lazy and rely too much on technology to do our thinking for us. Just look at how we accept search results as truth, for example.

But UTS did rectify the mistake. Two hours later while typing this blog post, another email arrived with the subject line: Corrections – Successful Origins Verification. While the message did not advise recipients what was being corrected, the Commemorative Certificate was now priced at a more reasonable $20.

That'll be $20,000 please...

That’ll be $20,000 please…

About a decade ago I was the past-student guest speaker at the UTS graduate ceremony for the top students of the year. It is invitation-only for these high-achieving students and their immediate families. Very different to the mass graduation I experienced. I rang one of my old uni mates to tell him about it. He said, “they always had that special ceremony, you just didn’t qualify”.

I’m off to brush up on a couple textbooks…

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What I know about women…

23 Friday Aug 2013

Posted by Malcolm Auld in Marketing

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Tags

marketing, referrals

Don’t you love a headline fraught with danger? There are some who would say I know very little. I’d suggest most males don’t really know much about women, but we won’t go there today.

However, the headline is appropriate as a metaphor, as what I knew about women when young, single and stupid, is similar to the way marketers try to grow their businesses.

In my single life, like most blokes, I had no idea how to cold-call women. Because that’s what it is when you walk up to a complete stranger in a pub or at an event, and start talking with them in the vague hope they will instantly be attracted to your charms and immediately want to spend time with you – if you get my drift?

What red-blooded male hasn’t trod the deserted-dance-floor-of-death, in full view of all others, after finally getting enough courage to cross the room to front a lady they don’t know, only to be rejected and return to their mates completely humiliated and thinking ‘now I have no chance of meeting anyone, as all have seen my lone march of shame’. It’s no wonder we drink.

woman rejecting man

Luckily I had a number of female friends who took it upon themselves to introduce me to their single girlfriends. I believe they’re called wingmen these days.

I realised that the best lead in single life is the same as the best lead in business – a referred lead. That’s because you have far more credibiltiy when a lady refers you to their girlfriend, than if you cold-call said girlfriend yourself. Though it didn’t always work in my favour.

Once I was referred, actually I was partnered, with the daughter of a Middle-East ambassador for a black-tie event – this was when the Shaj still ruled.  After being greeted at her door by some henchmen, I was more concerned with what might happen if I got involved and then decided it wasn’t right for me. My desire for self-preservation over-rode my male desires, so to speak, and I didn’t pursue another date.

Another time the matriach of an Italian I was introduced to, threatened that she would chop off my legs if I didn’t do the right thing by her niece. She didn’t even blink as she said it while munching an olive. Visions of a dead fish in newspaper entered my head, so I didn’t eat much pizza at that gathering.

This is not to say the introductions weren’t worthwhile – quite a few led to repeat dates:)

The point is this – and you have heard me say it before. If you want to grow your business, grow your referrals. Not all will become customers – you will drink a lot of coffee, sometimes over awkward conversation. But the more prospects you can get in front of, the more opportunities you create to get more business.

I’m off to a meeting. My bride has referred me, so I have way more credibility than usual…

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It’s customer service, but not as you’d expect…

22 Thursday Aug 2013

Posted by Malcolm Auld in Customer Service, Marketing

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

branding, customer service, marketing

One of the benefits of training exceutives around the planet is that I get lots of case studies and anecdotes that I can share. Here’s a couple I think you’ll enjoy.

A couple of years ago I was training some small businesses in regional Queensland. Yes, they let a New South Welshman in, but only under certain conditions to do with being the butt of all rugby league jokes during the workshop. This was difficult as I don’t really follow league and didn’t know all the intricate details of the comments.

As part of the exercise on developing a marketing plan, the delegates interviewed their clients for feedback. One of the delegates was surprised to learn that clients thought his customer service was excellent.

Now you may think this is a good thing. The problem for the delegate though, was that he didn’t have any specific customer service staff and hadn’t a clue what the clients meant. He had to get them to explain the alleged service.

Apparently his business received lots of orders by fax (please, we will not judge outback Queensland based on technology usage). The fax is still a popular method of ordering in many small businesses. In fact, if my business offers the fax as an option for booking seminars, many delegates will use it. Unfortunately I don’t know how to connect the damn fax element to my multi-function printer thingo. But I digress.

fax_machine_4166

The business owner discovered that whenever clients faxed an order, his very polite receptionist would ring the client and confirm she had received the order. She then established an agreed delivery time. To her it was just good manners to call. Yet the clients loved this service, as they were never sure if the fax was received at the other end of the high-pitched squeal.

Now if you know the term ‘under-promise and over-deliver’, you’ll know its benefits. Upon learning of this wonderful customer service he was providing, the owner trained his receptionist to agree a delivery time that was just a few days longer than they could deliver.

Then the company would deliver the order earlier than the agreed date and so create an extremely happy client. And I suggest the client was also less likely to argue over price.

I’ve learnt lots over the years by talking with front-line staff, sitting in call centres and more recently analysing search terms and online behaviour. You’d be surprised how many staff have developed their own techniques for making their life easier, which usually involves making their clients happier – by avoiding conflict.

Although it’s a sad reflection on companies that they have treated customers so appallingly for so long, that simple good manners are now regarded as something special.

In the early days of the interweb, a recruitment company in the US realised that most people were looking for jobs during the boss’s time, rather than after hours. Quite rightly, they had expected it to be the opposite.

So they devised a button on their website that was called “The Boss Button”. If you clicked on it, a spreadsheet automatically appeared on the screen. This was excellent customer service, as anyone looking for a job on the boss’s time, could quickly change their screen to a spreadsheet if their boss approached their desk.

spreadsheet

That reminds me, I haven’t looked at Seek or LinkedIn Jobs today…

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Who’s been drinking at the keyboard?

21 Wednesday Aug 2013

Posted by Malcolm Auld in BIG DATA, Branding, Customer Service, Direct Marketing, Marketing

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

BIG data, branding, customer service, database, direct marekting, marketing

We’ve listened Malcolm…Here’s what you’ve asked for!

The above statement (sic) was the subject line in my in-box yesterday, with a message from the Vintage Cellars Wine Club.

As someone who has made half a dozen vintages in my time and who also appreciates both colours – red and white – I was curious.

Who had they listened too? What had I asked for?

Vintage Cellars Sav Blanc

I opened the message and realised immediately it was a ruse. It’s a sauvignon blanc sale. And if you know me, you’ll know my view of sauvignon blanc.

I can’t stand the stuff. Tastes like the liquid dregs when you get a pair of grandma’s old panty hose, stuff them with the neighbour’s lawn clippings and flush it all with a hose.

But that’s just my opinion. Lots of people like it. One of the benefits of not being a sav blanc fan, is that whenever we dine with wine, I tend to get a larger share of the riesling, chard or pinot grigio that’s on offer. That’s of course if we’re not drinking rouge.

Lying to people doesn’t really help you sell to them, which is why I cannot understand receiving that message. I never asked for it, so to speak, so what were they listening too?

Vintage Cellars know what wines I buy, when I buy, how much I buy and how much I pay. It’s all recorded at point of sale and linked to my membership. And there are very few transactions involving sauvignon blanc.

This message suggests they weren’t listening to, or looking at, anything my sales history said. Maybe they were sampling their wares when they keyed the data selection? Once again a case of marketers getting the small data wrong.

This is a worry, because if they get the important small data wrong, how will they ever get the masses of BIG DATA right?

I need a drink…

Cheers!

Cheers!

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The 4 essential weapons of the digital marketer…

20 Tuesday Aug 2013

Posted by Malcolm Auld in Advertising, Branding, Content Marketing, Direct Marketing, Marketing, Social Media

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advertising, branding, digital marketing, marketing, social media

To succeed in the digital world there are 4 things a marketer needs. And you’ll be surprised how few marketers have them, or use them effectively.

marketing weapons

They are rather radical and each applies to your customers:
1. First and last name
2. Postal address
3. Email address
4. Telephone number

If you have the “Essential 4” you can run a successful business – even without a retail store or a website. Because if you can send a mailing or email, or make a phone call, you will be far more successful at selling something than if you don’t have them.

Once you have these, you can add other weapons to your marketing armoury. You can advertise in any media, add a website or a social media site, write a blog, conduct events, publish all sorts of content, create an App, open a YouTube channel and more. The list goes on, as you know…

But without the “Essential 4” you will need to spend a comparative fortune to reach your customers and convince them to buy from you.

I have a share in a travel agency (let’s know when you want a holiday – Mal’s Mates Rates:)

Last week we sent a highly sophisticated email to just over 200 of our clients, 3 days before the offer closed. Here it is:

Qantas logo

Qantas Companion Sale
Closes 13th August

Dear <first name>

Qantas has released a special worldwide companion sale!

• First and Business Class
• Global destinations
• Departure times vary
• Availability is limited

You enjoy enormous savings when you travel with a companion.

Call Jose or me on (02) 9555 7733 before next Tuesday 13th August.

And remember you can also earn FlyBuys points on each holiday you book with us.

Happy Holidays

While we won’t retire on the sales, we sold over $25,000 worth of tickets within 24 hours and generated inquiries for other travel.

If we had a Facebook site we could have posted it there, but there’s no guarantee anyone will see it, given the ASS Time of users and the fact FB decides what posts to load onto a newsfeed. We’re trialling FB at the moment under our cruise brand, but the cost for a small business to keep FB current and to pay for itself is not cheap.

It doesn’t matter whether your business is online or offline, you will get business if you just communicate with relevance to your customers (sorry, should that be, produce content for them?). Talk with your customers as personally as you would if they were sitting opposite you. You’ll be surprised how it engages them and their credit cards.

The number of businesses that don’t store or use the most valuable data about their customers, probably because they are chasing BIG Data, is astonishing. 

We over-complicate our marketing and forget it’s the customers who make us rich, not our marketing jargon.

Jargon-300x3001

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89 cliches to make you sound like an MBA…

19 Monday Aug 2013

Posted by Malcolm Auld in Marketing

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

marketing, marketing education, MBA

In the 1980’s I worked in New York with Ogilvy & Mather Direct. I was asked to train the MBA recruits. There were about 30 of them, average age 26 to 28 and none had ever had a job. This internship was their first work experience.

They were unbelievably confident presenters, but were naive in the daily ways of business. They weren’t very worldy, but very smart academically. And they were an incredibly interesting and enthusiastic bunch of people.

I was the same age but didn’t have an MBA. And I had already been working for 10 years, 6 of those in management. What I lacked in MBA sophistication I made up with hands-on experience. O&M eventually gave up the MBA recruitment programme – apparently there wasn’t value in recruiting that way. They preferred people who had work experience, who if they wanted, did their MBA part-time or later in life.

mba

So it was with interest that I read this article from Forbes this week, sent to me from Michael Rhodes in the UK. (the world is so small). With the help of his readers, the contributor Eric Jackson has listed 89 cliches you can use in management meetings and at work, to sound like you’re an MBA.

The real questions of course that should be asked are: “what sort of manager is impressed by someone who sounds like an MBA?” and “is sounding like an MBA something your colleagues will respect?”. I’ve considered doing an MBA, but if it makes me sound different, I’m not sure I like the idea. But that’s another blog.

As Eric says: “they’ll make you sound like you know a lot about how organizations operate (along with my handy translations). When possible, you should use these in team meetings or in front of your bosses who will have a say in promoting you“:

1. It’s a paradigm shift = I don’t know what’s going on in our business. But we’re not making as much money as we used to.

2. We’re data-driven = We try not to make decisions by the seat of our pants. When possible, we try to base them in facts.

3. We need to wrap our heads around this = Gosh, I never thought of that. We need to discuss that….

4. It’s a win-win = Hey, we both get something out of this (even though I’m really trying to get the best from you)

5. ROI [used in any sentence] = Look at me, I’m very financially-minded, even if I never took any finance classes in school

6. Let’s blue sky this/let’s ballpark this = Let’s shoot around a bunch of ideas since we have no clue what to do

7. I’m a bit of a visionary = I’m a bit of an egomaniac and narcissist

8. I’m a team player/we only hire team players = I hope everyone on the team thinks this is a meritocracy, even though I’m the dictator in charge

9. Let’s circle back to that/Let’s put that in the parking lot/let’s touch base on that later/let’s take this off-line = Shut up and let’s go back to what I was talking about

10. We think outside the box here/color outside the lines = We wouldn’t know about how to do something innovative if it came up to us and bit us in the behind

11. I/we/you don’t have the bandwidth = Since we cut 60% of our headcount, we’re all doing the job of 3 people, so we’re all burned out

12. This is where the rubber meets the road = Don’t screw up

13. Net net/the net of it is/when you net it out = I never studied finance or accounting but I sound like someone who can make money if I keep talking about another word for profit

14. We’ll go back and sharpen our pencils = We’ll go back and offer you the same for 20% less in hopes you’ll buy it before the end of the quarter

15.  It’s like the book “Crossing the Chasm”/”Blue Ocean”/”Good To Great” / “Tipping Point” / “Outliers” = I’ve never read any of these books but I sound literate if I quote from them. And, besides, you cretins probably never read them either to call me out on it

16. Let’s right-size it = Let’s whack/fire a bunch of people

17. It’s next-gen/turn-key/plug-and-play = I want it to sound so technical that you’ll just buy it without asking me any questions

18. We need to manage the optics of this = How can we lie about this in a way people will believe?

19. This is creative destruction = I’ve never read Joseph Schumpeter but our core business is getting killed so it’s your responsibility to come up with a new product the market will buy

20. We don’t have enough boots on the ground = I don’t want to be fired for this disastrous product/country launch, so I’m going to sound tough referring to the military and say I don’t have enough resources

21. Deal with it = Tough cookies

22. By way of housekeeping = This makes the boring stuff I’m about to say sound more official

23. That’s the $64,000 question [sometimes, due to inflation, people will denominate this cliche in millions or billions of dollars] = I don’t know either

24. Let’s square the circle = I’m someone who can unify two team members’ views and sound important

25. It’s our cash cow/protect/milk the cash cow = If that business goes south, we’re all out of a job

26. It’s about synergies/1 + 1 = 3 = I don’t get the math either, but it sounds like more and more is better, right?

27. Who’s going to step up to the plate? = One of you is going to do this and it’s not going to be me

28. We’re eating our own dog food = It sounds gross but we seem like honest folks if we do this.

29. We need to monetize/strategize/analyze/incentivize = When in doubt, stick “-ize” on the end of a word and say we’ve got to do this and 9 out of 10 times, it will sound action-oriented.

30. We did a Five Forces/SWOT analysis/Value Chain analysis = We didn’t really do any of that, but none of you probably even remember Michael Porter, so what the heck

31. It was a perfect storm = We really screwed up but we’re going to blame a bunch of factors that are out of our hands (especially weather)

32. At the end of the day…. = OK, enough talking back and forth, we’re going to do what I want to do

33. Who’s got the ‘R’? [i.e., responsibility to do what we just spent 20 minutes talking about aimlessly] = If I ask the question, it won’t be assigned to me

34. Let’s put lipstick on this pig = plug your nose

35. I’m putting a stake in the ground here… = I’m a leader, simply because I’m using this cliche

36. We’re customer-focused/proactive/results-oriented = That can’t be bad, right?  This is motherhood and apple pie stuff

37. Our visibility into the quarter is a little fuzzy = Sales just fell off a cliff

38. That’s not our core competency/we’re sticking to our knitting = We’re just glad we’re making money in one business, because we’d have no clue how to get into any other business

39. Well, we’re facing some headwinds there = You put your finger on the area we’re panicking over

40. It’s a one-off = Do whatever they want to close the sale

41. Incent it = That’s not a verb but I just made it into one because I’m a man/woman of action

42. I’m an agent of change = This makes it sound like I know how to handle the chaos that our business is constantly going through

43. We’ve got to do a little more due diligence there = Don’t have a clue but does that legal term make me sound detail-oriented?

44. Don’t leave money on the table = Be as greedy with them as possible

45. We take a “ready, fire, aim” approach here = We totally operate on a seat-of-the-pants basis

46. Hope is not a strategy = I don’t have a strategy, but this makes it sound like I’m above people who also don’t have a strategy

47. We have to tear down the silos internally = Our organizational structure is such a mess that I’m going to be under-mined by other departments at every turn

48. I don’t think it will move the needle = This won’t get my boss excited

49. Good to put a face to the name = I’d really rather talk to that person behind you

50. Let’s take the 30,000 foot view… = I like to think I see the big picture

51. It’s the old 80-20 rule = I really have no idea what the rule was, but I just want to focus on the things that will make us successful

52. We need to manage expectations = Get ready to start sucking up to people

53. It’s not actionable enough/what’s the deliverable? = You guys do the work on refining the idea. I’m too tired.

54. My 2 cents is… = This opinion is worth a heck of a lot more than 2 cents

55. I’m going to sound like a broken record here… = I want to clearly point out to you idiots that I’ve made this point several times before

56. We’ve got too many chiefs and not enough Indians = I want to be the Chief

57. Going forward = Don’t screw up like this again

58. My people know I’ve got an open door policy = I’ve told my direct reports to come to me if they have a problem, so why should I feel bad if they complain I’m too busy to talk to them?

59. It’s gone viral = Someone sent a tweet about this

60. I know you’ve been burning the candle on both ends = Get ready to do some more

61. It’s scalable = We can sell a lot of it in theory

62. It’s best-of-breed = We hired a market research firm to say that

63. We’re all about value-add = Unlike our competitors who seek to add no value

64. What’s our go-to-market? = Has anyone planned this out, because I’ve been too busy?

65. I’m drinking from a fire hose right now = I want a little sympathy over here, because I’m tired of carrying this company on my back

66. We’re getting some push back = They’re not buying it

67. We need to do a level-set = I’ve never been inside a Home Depot, but this phrase makes me sound handy

68. It’s basic blocking and tackling = How could you screw this up? I also played high school football and those were the best days of my life.

69. Let’s put our game faces on = Get serious, guys

70. We’ve got it covered from soup to nuts = I have no idea what that means, but don’t you dare question my prep work on it

71. We don’t want to get thrown under the bus = So let’s throw someone else first

72. But to close the loop on this… = Always the more theoretical Business Development/Strategy guys who say this, so they can sound thorough

73.  What are “next steps”? = Did anyone take notes during the last 90 minutes of this meeting?

74. This is low-hanging fruit = Get this done quickly

75. We need a few quick wins = We’ve got to trick people into thinking we know what we’re doing by some successes we can point to and claim as ours

76. It’s a [Insert Company Name] killer = Did I get your attention yet with the Freddy Kreuger imagery associated with the company who’s currently eating our lunch?

77. I want to address the elephant in the room = I know you think I’m trying to cover up/gloss over something, so I might as well talk about it

78. This is the next big thing/new thing = Some of our 20-somethings have told me this is really cool

79. This time it’s different because… = Don’t wait for the explanation… simply run for the hills.

80. What are the best practices on this? = How can I cover my behind that we’re just doing stuff the way other good people have supposedly done this?

81. This is our deliverable = I know this sounds like something that comes in a body bag, but it makes our PowerPoint sound tougher than it actually is

82. We’ll loop you in when we need to = You’re not that important to know about all the details on this

83. We want this to move up and to the right = I failed high school algebra but someone said this means we’ll be making a lot of money if this happens

84. We’re going through a re-org = No one knows what the heck is going on at the moment

85. We’ve got to increase our mind-share with the customer = I think I would have been happier as a doctor doing lobotomies than in marketing as a career path

86. I don’t think you’re comparing apples to apples = Let me tell you how you should really think about this issue

87. Let’s peel back the onion on this = I want to sound thorough so this is a better way of telling you that than simply clearing my throat

88. You phoned it in = I was too busy checking my email during your presentation that I didn’t listen

89. I want you to run with this = I just threw you into the deep end of the pool and you’re on your own to figure it out

Here are the 89 biggest cliches that will help you get promoted to middle management because they’ll make you sound like you know a lot about how organizations operate (along with my handy translations). When possible, you should use these in team meetings or in front of your bosses who will have a say in promoting you:

1. It’s a paradigm shift = I don’t know what’s going on in our business. But we’re not making as much money as we used to.

2. We’re data-driven = We try not to make decisions by the seat of our pants. When possible, we try to base them in facts.

3. We need to wrap our heads around this = Gosh, I never thought of that. We need to discuss that….

4. It’s a win-win = Hey, we both get something out of this (even though I’m really trying to get the best from you)

5. ROI [used in any sentence] = Look at me, I’m very financially-minded, even if I never took any finance classes in school

6. Let’s blue sky this/let’s ballpark this = Let’s shoot around a bunch of ideas since we have no clue what to do

7. I’m a bit of a visionary = I’m a bit of an egomaniac and narcissist

8. I’m a team player/we only hire team players = I hope everyone on the team thinks this is a meritocracy, even though I’m the dictator in charge

9. Let’s circle back to that/Let’s put that in the parking lot/let’s touch base on that later/let’s take this off-line = Shut up and let’s go back to what I was talking about

10. We think outside the box here/color outside the lines = We wouldn’t know about how to do something innovative if it came up to us and bit us in the behind

11. I/we/you don’t have the bandwidth = Since we cut 60% of our headcount, we’re all doing the job of 3 people, so we’re all burned out

12. This is where the rubber meets the road = Don’t screw up

13. Net net/the net of it is/when you net it out = I never studied finance or accounting but I sound like someone who can make money if I keep talking about another word for profit

14. We’ll go back and sharpen our pencils = We’ll go back and offer you the same for 20% less in hopes you’ll buy it before the end of the quarter

15.  It’s like the book “Crossing the Chasm”/”Blue Ocean”/”Good To Great” / “Tipping Point” / “Outliers” = I’ve never read any of these books but I sound literate if I quote from them. And, besides, you cretins probably never read them either to call me out on it

16. Let’s right-size it = Let’s whack/fire a bunch of people

17. It’s next-gen/turn-key/plug-and-play = I want it to sound so technical that you’ll just buy it without asking me any questions

18. We need to manage the optics of this = How can we lie about this in a way people will believe?

19. This is creative destruction = I’ve never read Joseph Schumpeter but our core business is getting killed so it’s your responsibility to come up with a new product the market will buy

20. We don’t have enough boots on the ground = I don’t want to be fired for this disastrous product/country launch, so I’m going to sound tough referring to the military and say I don’t have enough resources

21. Deal with it = Tough cookies

22. By way of housekeeping = This makes the boring stuff I’m about to say sound more official

23. That’s the $64,000 question [sometimes, due to inflation, people will denominate this cliche in millions or billions of dollars] = I don’t know either

24. Let’s square the circle = I’m someone who can unify two team members’ views and sound important

25. It’s our cash cow/protect/milk the cash cow = If that business goes south, we’re all out of a job

26. It’s about synergies/1 + 1 = 3 = I don’t get the math either, but it sounds like more and more is better, right?

27. Who’s going to step up to the plate? = One of you is going to do this and it’s not going to be me

28. We’re eating our own dog food = It sounds gross but we seem like honest folks if we do this.

29. We need to monetize/strategize/analyze/incentivize = When in doubt, stick “-ize” on the end of a word and say we’ve got to do this and 9 out of 10 times, it will sound action-oriented.

30. We did a Five Forces/SWOT analysis/Value Chain analysis = We didn’t really do any of that, but none of you probably even remember Michael Porter, so what the heck

31. It was a perfect storm = We really screwed up but we’re going to blame a bunch of factors that are out of our hands (especially weather)

32. At the end of the day…. = OK, enough talking back and forth, we’re going to do what I want to do

33. Who’s got the ‘R’? [i.e., responsibility to do what we just spent 20 minutes talking about aimlessly] = If I ask the question, it won’t be assigned to me

34. Let’s put lipstick on this pig = plug your nose

35. I’m putting a stake in the ground here… = I’m a leader, simply because I’m using this cliche

36. We’re customer-focused/proactive/results-oriented = That can’t be bad, right?  This is motherhood and apple pie stuff

37. Our visibility into the quarter is a little fuzzy = Sales just fell off a cliff

38. That’s not our core competency/we’re sticking to our knitting = We’re just glad we’re making money in one business, because we’d have no clue how to get into any other business

39. Well, we’re facing some headwinds there = You put your finger on the area we’re panicking over

40. It’s a one-off = Do whatever they want to close the sale

41. Incent it = That’s not a verb but I just made it into one because I’m a man/woman of action

42. I’m an agent of change = This makes it sound like I know how to handle the chaos that our business is constantly going through

43. We’ve got to do a little more due diligence there = Don’t have a clue but does that legal term make me sound detail-oriented?

44. Don’t leave money on the table = Be as greedy with them as possible

45. We take a “ready, fire, aim” approach here = We totally operate on a seat-of-the-pants basis

46. Hope is not a strategy = I don’t have a strategy, but this makes it sound like I’m above people who also don’t have a strategy

47. We have to tear down the silos internally = Our organizational structure is such a mess that I’m going to be under-mined by other departments at every turn

48. I don’t think it will move the needle = This won’t get my boss excited

49. Good to put a face to the name = I’d really rather talk to that person behind you

50. Let’s take the 30,000 foot view… = I like to think I see the big picture

51. It’s the old 80-20 rule = I really have no idea what the rule was, but I just want to focus on the things that will make us successful

52. We need to manage expectations = Get ready to start sucking up to people

53. It’s not actionable enough/what’s the deliverable? = You guys do the work on refining the idea. I’m too tired.

54. My 2 cents is… = This opinion is worth a heck of a lot more than 2 cents

55. I’m going to sound like a broken record here… = I want to clearly point out to you idiots that I’ve made this point several times before

56. We’ve got too many chiefs and not enough Indians = I want to be the Chief

57. Going forward = Don’t screw up like this again

58. My people know I’ve got an open door policy = I’ve told my direct reports to come to me if they have a problem, so why should I feel bad if they complain I’m too busy to talk to them?

59. It’s gone viral = Someone sent a tweet about this

60. I know you’ve been burning the candle on both ends = Get ready to do some more

61. It’s scalable = We can sell a lot of it in theory

62. It’s best-of-breed = We hired a market research firm to say that

63. We’re all about value-add = Unlike our competitors who seek to add no value

64. What’s our go-to-market? = Has anyone planned this out, because I’ve been too busy?

65. I’m drinking from a fire hose right now = I want a little sympathy over here, because I’m tired of carrying this company on my back

66. We’re getting some push back = They’re not buying it

67. We need to do a level-set = I’ve never been inside a Home Depot, but this phrase makes me sound handy

68. It’s basic blocking and tackling = How could you screw this up? I also played high school football and those were the best days of my life.

69. Let’s put our game faces on = Get serious, guys

70. We’ve got it covered from soup to nuts = I have no idea what that means, but don’t you dare question my prep work on it

71. We don’t want to get thrown under the bus = So let’s throw someone else first

72. But to close the loop on this… = Always the more theoretical Business Development/Strategy guys who say this, so they can sound thorough

73.  What are “next steps”? = Did anyone take notes during the last 90 minutes of this meeting?

74. This is low-hanging fruit = Get this done quickly

75. We need a few quick wins = We’ve got to trick people into thinking we know what we’re doing by some successes we can point to and claim as ours

76. It’s a [Insert Company Name] killer = Did I get your attention yet with the Freddy Kreuger imagery associated with the company who’s currently eating our lunch?

77. I want to address the elephant in the room = I know you think I’m trying to cover up/gloss over something, so I might as well talk about it

78. This is the next big thing/new thing = Some of our 20-somethings have told me this is really cool

79. This time it’s different because… = Don’t wait for the explanation… simply run for the hills.

80. What are the best practices on this? = How can I cover my behind that we’re just doing stuff the way other good people have supposedly done this?

81. This is our deliverable = I know this sounds like something that comes in a body bag, but it makes our PowerPoint sound tougher than it actually is

82. We’ll loop you in when we need to = You’re not that important to know about all the details on this

83. We want this to move up and to the right = I failed high school algebra but someone said this means we’ll be making a lot of money if this happens

84. We’re going through a re-org = No one knows what the heck is going on at the moment

85. We’ve got to increase our mind-share with the customer = I think I would have been happier as a doctor doing lobotomies than in marketing as a career path

86. I don’t think you’re comparing apples to apples = Let me tell you how you should really think about this issue

87. Let’s peel back the onion on this = I want to sound thorough so this is a better way of telling you that than simply clearing my throat

88. You phoned it in = I was too busy checking my email during your presentation that I didn’t listen

89. I want you to run with this = I just threw you into the deep end of the pool and you’re on your own to figure it out

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Friday’s election reflection…

16 Friday Aug 2013

Posted by Malcolm Auld in Marketing

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

election, marketing

election image

The men in blue ties have been at it again this week, so here’s some contemporary (and ancient) comments about politicians and government…

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame; two is a law firm and three or more is a government.
John Adams
 
If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
Mark Twain
 
Suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of government.  But then I repeat myself.
 Mark Twain
 
I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
 Winston Churchill
 
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul .
 George Bernard Shaw
 
Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
 
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
P.J. O’Rourke, Civil Libertarian
 
Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
 Frederic Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850)
 
I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
Will Rogers
 
If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free!
P.J. O’Rourke
 
In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
Voltaire (1764)
 
Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you!
 Pericles (430 B.C.)
 
No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
 Mark Twain (1866)
 
Talk is cheap…except when government does it.
 Anonymous
 
The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
 Ronald Reagan

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
Mark Twain

There is no distinctly Native American criminal class…save government.
Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
Thomas Jefferson

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

And this has been doing the rounds in Australia since the election was called:

GDP

Avagoodweegend…

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I’m 13 and none of my friends use Facebook…

14 Wednesday Aug 2013

Posted by Malcolm Auld in Social Media

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

facebook, linkedin, marketing, social media

This was the headline in the SMH this week.

I was curious to read the article, because as I have primary school-age children, the subject of social media usage is regularly discussed among parents. In fact the kid’s school even had an expert on child psychology and technology, address the parents recently. We’re certainly in for a wild ride.

It was interesting to read that the 13 year old has no interest in Facebook, because it’s not something her generation is using. They prefer Instagram and Snapchat. And I’m not surprised. Social media is fashionable and fashions come and go.

And once parents start using the same social sites as their kids, the kids will abandon the site faster than they can send a text message – PLOS*. This is one of the reasons Billabong lost its mojo – middle-aged dads started wearing the same brands as their teenage kids. Sick hey? Not! (about as cool as dad saying ‘sick hey’)

I suspect that when my kids are young teenagers they will view that antiquated social site called Facebook as “dad’s technology” and have no interest in it. A bit like the way they look at my vinyl and CD collection.

record-collection

The problem for parents like me is that the social sites in which our kids will be involved, have yet to be invented. We’ll have to learn about them on the fly if we want to know what our kids are up to.

I have to admit, while I help clients and my business with social media strategies, including FB pages, I rarely look at my FB account. This blog gets automatically posted to a FB page and apart from occasionally checking if people have commented on it, I spend little time on FB.

I recently asked a group of friends aged 30 to 55 if they were on FB and more than half don’t have an account, even though their kids do. They have their social networks which they address via phone, text and face-to-face. They are also time-poor because they have kids and most of their social habits were cemented with age. So they just aren’t interested in FB and don’t believe they are missing out.

Certainly they are still alive and none have lost their jobs or friends as a result of not using FB. I also know lots of people who are addicted to FB, spending loads of their life posting and time-wasting. And that’s fine if that’s what you like to do. Other friends from foreign lands who reside here, find it extremely helpful for keeping in touch with family back in the old country.

The point is, the sun will come up in the east and set in the west regardless of social media sites. And just as most choices we make in life differ among individuals, so our use of social media sites will vary. After all, today’s Facebook is tomorrow’s Second Life.

Today's Facebook is tomorrow's Second Life

Today’s Facebook is tomorrow’s Second Life

That reminds me, I need to update my profile on ‘Facebook with a Necktie’ – that’s LinkedIn, in case you haven’t heard the latest buzzword:)

LinkedIn - Facebook with a neck tie

LinkedIn – Facebook with a neck tie

* Parents Looking Over Shoulder

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Virgin Mobile moves into the 1950’s… strategically speaking

12 Monday Aug 2013

Posted by Malcolm Auld in Advertising, Branding, Marketing

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

acquisition, advertising, branding, marketing, retention, strategy

Like most, I’m a fan and customer of Virgin brands, though I’m not a customer of Virgin Mobile. The main reason is that under advice from a financial planner, I stupidly bought Telstra 2 shares when they floated. If you follow the market you’ll know they have never been anywhere near their float price and probably never will be again.

So I continue to use Telstra in a feeble attempt to contribute to my annual dividends and prop up the share price. Weird logic, I know.

And I don’t really want to be a critic of Virgin Mobile, given its recent advertising success. But I was surprised, as were others I spoke with, by this headline in last week’s Marketing Magazine email:

Virgin Mobile

Virgin Mobile unveils new brand identity and strategy with focus on customer retention

A strategy for customer retention? I thought I was reading a typo. The purpose of business has and always will be, “to acquire and retain customers profitably”. Professor Theodore Levitt the famous management and economics guru first articulated this in the 1950’s.

And the purpose of all marketing is to either acquire new customers or retain existing ones profitably. Your marketing messages may be designed to influence an attitude, or get a sale, or create publicity, but there are only two ultimate objectives – acquire or keep customers.

I’ll try not to be too scientific. It’s the customers who pay our salary – but we often forget that fact.

I don’t know any company that doesn’t have a strategy for retaining customers. You don’t have a business without customers. You can charge what you like, but if nobody buys, you don’t stay in business very long. Simple really. And if you do have customers and you stuff them around, you can go broke. Look at the problems facing Vodafone for example.

The article went on to explain: “Virgin Mobile Australia has unveiled the most significant change to its brand in its 12-year history. A new strategic direction sees the telco grow into maturity and focus primarily on customer retention rather than acquisition, through a new brand identity and theme for campaigns using the keyword ‘Irresistible’.”

I’m not going to get involved with the campaign theme. But Virgin Mobile has one of the best Net Promoter Scores of any telco. It has an army of customers who in marketing parlance are fans or advocates. And every marketer and salesperson worth their salt knows it’s always cheaper to sell to someone you know (your customer) than to someone you don’t (your prospect).

The easiest way to grow the business even further, while focusing on retention, is to establish a referral campaign.

Reward these advocates for introducing new customers – it will help retention and grow the business. It’s strange but most marketers don’t have a referral strategy, yet referrals are the best new business leads you can have, in whatever industry you work.

I’ve worked on many referral programmes over the years and when managed well, they can be highly profitable. About a decade ago, Dingo Blue, the now defunct Optus-owned telco for the bottom end of the market, ran one of the telco industry’s best online referral programmes. It was called the Dingo Blue Breeding Programme. Here’s an image of the second version after the first round of testing:

Dingo Blue

Sergio Zyman, the marketer who grew Coca Cola when nobody thought the market could grow any further, is also author of a couple of books – The End Of Marketing As We Know It and The End Of Advertising As We Know It. In layman’s terms he says “the purpose of marketing is to sell more stuff to more customers more often for more profit.” It’s not rocket science – it doesn’t need vast offices of strategic planners.

Flog more stuff to more people more often for more profit

Flog more stuff to more people more often for more profit

We’ve now had over 50 years of marketing degrees at university, 40 years of advertising certificates at TAFE and 30 years of direct marketing courses. Maybe it’s taking a while for the marketing fundamentals to sink in?

No business will survive if it doesn’t follow the fundamentals. Keep topping up the bucket with new customers and look after those already in the bucket, to minimise the number who slip out the hole in the bottom – metaphorically speaking.

I think it was Gordon Grossman, former head of Reader’s Digest who said it first: “If your customers don’t make you rich, who will?”

Speaking of which, I’m off to make some phone calls on my Telstra account – I need a strong dividend this quarter…

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Discover a little advertising history…

09 Friday Aug 2013

Posted by Malcolm Auld in Advertising, Branding, Direct Marketing, Marketing

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

advertising, awards, branding, digital marketing, direct marketing, marketing

I enjoy studying the history of marketing, particularly advertisements. The ads reflect so much of society during the period in which they were created. In years to come, anthropologists will be able to calculate the decade they are researching, by the iPremium offered in sales promotions. For example iPod minis 10 years ago, iPads now.

Lard-Family-Ad1

My friend, the famous US copywriter and direct marketer Alan Rosenspan, reminded me of some useful resources in his newsletter yesterday.

Here are some of our favourite sites. Use them to discover new ideas or check to see if your idea has already been used. Or just enjoy yourself with a trawl through history.

As David Ogilvy used to say, “search the world and steal the best”. And I’m sure Drayton Bird told me David stole that saying. But it certainly saves you a lot of time.

www.adsoftheworld.com

www.library.duke.edu/digitalcollections

www.adslogans.co.uk

www.clioawards.com/archive

The US DMA sells portfolios of awards winners – www.dma-echo.org

The Caples provide access to award winners at www.caples.org

And if you value the Cannes Lions awards you can view them at www.canneslions.com/work

BTW here’s a writing resource you may not want to use. It appeared as an advertisement on LinkedIn yesterday:

writing course

 

Avagoodweegend…

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