As I hurtled  through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket  was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn
*****

When the  white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land.  They said ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the  Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu
*****

America is the  only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that  professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ David  Letterman
*****

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ’em right and you can  walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind
*****

The only  reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the  lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
*****

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince  Philip
*****

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.
*****

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
*****

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike  Milligan
*****

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven  broke.
~ Robin Hall
*****

Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.
*****

In hotel rooms I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Jonathan  Katz
*****

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson
*****

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
*****

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell
*****

The first piece of  luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George  Roberts
*****

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Jonathan  Winters

The consumer is not a moron, she is your wife!
~ David Ogilvy

avagoodweegend!