A lifetime ago I was dining at my then girlfriend’s parent’s home. It was Summer and hot. We were all casually dressed without shoes.

My girlfriend’s father was seated at the head of the table. I sat in the first seat to his right. My girlfriend sat in the first seat to his left – opposite me. The rest of the family was spread down the table.

Her father was a butcher, so dinner was no doubt a good meat dish. During said meal, my girlfriend decided to play footsies with me under the table. This was accompanied by a flirt with the eyes, which was damn frustrating as she lived at home with her parents.

As any well mannered Aussie bloke would do, I decided to reciprocate and started playing footsies back. I gave her my best flirt-eye and subtle head nods, but got no response. So I proceeeded a tad more enthusiastically trying to elicite an acknowledgement of delight from her.

After a couple of minutes of under-the-table foot snogging, her father leaned over to me and said “I think you’ve got the wrong foot Malcolm”.

It was all I could do not to spray wine through my nose across the table at my girlfriend. So I feigned a rapid desire to rush to the loo, politely excusing myself for as long as possible.

You’ve got the wrong foot Malcolm

I tell you this story because recently it occured to me that many marketers think they’re playing footsies with their customers, when in fact they are missing their mark completely. I own an email marketing business and have been reviewing replies my clients get to their email campaigns. These are the replies where people ignore all instructions to the contrary and just hit “reply” and start typing in response to a bulk email.

The reply that occurs most is about online payments. Customers are complaining in droves about the fact they are being forced to pay for services online. And for numerous reasons – lots of people don’t have credit cards or they don’t trust the security of the interweb. They even claim vehemently that it’s against the law to restrict payment methods to online. They get very aggressive and threatening in their correspondence. Damn rude in fact.

I suspect like many comments I see on social media, these people are happy to write angrily across cyber space, but they would not have the guts to say the same thing face-to-face to the recipient.

But in case you didn’t know, despite the digital world in which marketers live, many consumers still live very happy analogue lives and don’t want to change – or need to. I even know people who have never used ATMs for fear of being robbed, or concerns over fraud, or possibly losing their card.

I run seminars and even though we offer online bookings, close to half our bookings still come via mail, fax or scanned documents emailed to us. That’s because finance departments still like to see pieces of paper before allowing staff to pay for things. And many staff don’t have company credit cards to use for online payments. BTW – direct mail is still the most powerful media for selling seminars.

So don’t assume that just because you think you’re doing the right thing by forcing customers to online payments, that the customers agree. You might think you’re onto a good thing because it suits you, but you may in fact just be playing with yourself so to speak, rather than with your customers. Ask them what they want. Give them choice. If you don’t, you may really put your foot in it and lose customers instead of improve service.

And in case you’re wondering, ‘no’ her feet weren’t as big as her father’s, but they certainly felt it after dinner. Took a while to live that one down…

you thought my feet were how big?

The Optimist says, “The glass is half full.” The Pessimist says, “The glass is half empty.” The Marketing Consultant says, “Your glass needs re-sizing.”

You know you’re a marketer if…you refer to dating as ‘test marketing’.

A retailer was dismayed when a competitor selling the same type of product opened next-door to him, displaying a large sign proclaiming “Best Deals.”

Not long after that, he was horrified to find yet another competitor move in next door, on the other side if his store. Its large sign was even more disturbing “Lowest Prices.”

After his initial panic, and concern that he would be driven out of business, he looked for a way to turn the situation to his advantage. Then he had an idea. Next day, he proudly unveiled a huge sign over his front door. It read:

“Main Entrance”

Lost in translation:

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan “Come alive with the Pepsi Generation” came out as “Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead.”

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan “finger-lickin’ good” came out as “eat your fingers off.”

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, “Salem – Feeling Free,” got translated in the Japanese market into “When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty.”

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that “no va” means “it won’t go.” After the company figured out why it wasn’t selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for “tiny male genitals”. Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” However, the company’s mistakenly thought the Spanish word “embarazar” meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that “It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.”

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of the desired “I Saw the Pope” in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed “I Saw the Potato.”

Chicken-man Frank Perdue’s slogan, “It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken,” got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained “It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused.”

Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means “big breasts.” In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno mag.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Japan’s second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

Three marketers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three marketers bought only one ticket.

“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asked an accountant. “Watch and you’ll see”, answered a marketer.

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three marketers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, “Ticket, please”.

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the marketers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the marketers didn’t buy a ticket at all.

“How are you going to ride without a ticket”? said one perplexed accountant.
“Watch and you’ll see”, answered a marketer.

When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three marketers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the marketers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, “Ticket, please.”

avagoodweegend…

On Mother’s Day I drove my clan into the city to watch them run the 8km Mother’s Day Classic – which is possibly a tad overstatement as a name, but it was a classic Autumn morning.

40 years of football have taken an unfair toll on my knees, so I no longer run, but chauffeur and cheer enthusiastically from the sidelines.

As they pushed and puffed their way around the course I had a call of nature, so wandered over to Hyde Park to go to the loo. It was then that I realised society has indeed gone completely mad.

You can no longer go to the loo. There’s no men’s or women’s toilet you can stroll (or rush) into at your leisure to complete your ablutions. No folks, instead, you now have unisex street furniture. Gotta luv a marketing buzzword.

Now the only species I know that is interested in peeing on street furniture is our friendly K9s. But some bureaucrat has deemed it is now the preferred option for humans who need to use a public loo.

The street furniture was easy to spot. There was a queue of people hopping from one foot to the other while waiting their turn to use the only street furniture that worked. 50% of the furniture was out of service. There was only one loo as far as the eye could see, to service an entire park full of punters.

I joined the queue and waited. This gave me time to check out the instructions on how to use said street furniture, as obviously we adult humans need training in how to go to the loo.

Here’s some of the instructions, which read more like “orders” – you got the feeling someone was watching you to make sure you obeyed.

something to read while you wait…

It takes longer to clean than to take a leak

Don’t hit the wrong button as you squat…

If you need 20 minutes you need more than street furniture

so where do you throw the loo paper?

more than just street furniture

The loo paper looked like it was a runner-up in a product test for industrial sandpaper. I’m sure it could have scraped paint from the side of the street furniture.

The cleaning cycle involves some sort of automatic internal washing and spraying that completely wets the floor. Everything was wet – you didn’t know what to touch. If you want to drop your duds and sit, you have to hold them above your ankles so they don’t get soaked on the wet floor – not an easy thing to do, particularly if you are in any way incapacitated, or just like to sit upright as you go about your business.

The company that ‘manages’ the street furniture is the same one that manages the advertising in bus shelters and other ‘street furniture’. It’s no wonder their were so many signs on the thing.

I’m sure the directors of said company don’t have these types of “inconveniences” installed in their offices. I suspect they can come and go to the loo whenever it suits them. No queuing in line while the cleaning cycle does its stuff.

Luckily I was able to understand the orders and survive the street furniture ‘customer experience’. I’m sure that term is in a strategic document for the street furniture proposal.

Mind you it would have been faster and easier to go behind one of those very large trees in the park. But imagine the uproar if I was caught doing what comes natural in a park?

Here’s an idea for the ablutions bureaucrats – install men’s and women’s loos with multiple facilities (even unisex facilities) – and doorways you can enter at your leisure. Don’t restrict the facilities to one unisex unit that takes longer to clean than to use. Remember peak hour in your own family bathroom?

Then install street furniture for the purpose of sitting on, not sh*ting in. You’ll be amazed how many people use it.

Happy Friday. I need some light humour to finish the week – hope you get a chuckle too…

Some headlines:

1. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.
2. Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
3. The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
4. Dinner special – Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
5. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
6. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home.
7. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
8. See ladies blouses. 50% off!

Some lightbulb jokes:

Q: How many sub-editors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: We can’t tell whether you mean “insert a new lightbulb” or “have sexual relations inside a lightbulb”. Can we reword it to remove ambiguity?

Q: How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Does it have to be a lightbulb?

Q: How many proof readers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: The last time this was asked it involved Art Directors. Is the difference intentional? It seems inconsistent.

Q: How many writers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Why do we have to change it?

Q: How many editors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: It was supposed to be in place last week!

Q: How many publishers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Three. One to screw it in and two more to hold down the editor.

Q: How many marketing directors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: It isn’t too late to make it neon, is it?

Q: How many advertising directors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: We’re not sure because the client might change it tomorrow. Cut some editorial anyway.

Q: How many sales directors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: (pause) I get it! It’s one of those lightbulb jokes, right?

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. ~Fletcher Knebel~

I have always believed that writing advertisements is the second most profitable form of writing. The first, of course, is ransom notes ~ Philip Dusenberry, quoted in Eric Clark, The Want Makers: Inside the World of Advertising, 1988.